Why Being Ghosted Made me Quit Dating

October 13, 2019 4 Comments

Why Being Ghosted Made me Quit Dating

October 13, 2019 4 Comments
ghosting why I gave up dating

If you follow me on instagram you’ll know the story of "Pub Guy". A chance meeting in my local that led to a movie moment romantic gesture; him running across the train bridge to stop me leaving and get my number. This led to over a week & a half of back and forth messaging, two 2 hour long phone calls and a date arranged.

Which then led to;
Nothing
Nada
Nil

He disappeared

Completely
Unresponsive
No messages
And no date

The modern-day term is of course ghosting.

Ghosting
When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friend's phone calls, social media, and avoiding them in public.
I haven't seen Tom in 3 months. I think he may be ghosting me.
#ghosting

Via urbandictionary.com

Now this isn’t the first time I’ve been ghosted and I doubt it will be the last. Sadly, it happens all too often now in this digital age of dating. In a world where people are just matches and online convos can be cut off quicker than Van Gogh’s ear and with very little guilt or reprisal it’s all too easy to ignore someone.

The truth is before you’ve actually met, it’s simple for someone to see you as just another message and not a real person and thanks to the plethora of people on dating apps their next match is never far away.

I suppose to a ghoster, they don’t see it as hurting a person, they’re just not messaging anymore. But being ghosted hurts. No one ever wants to be the person that says “I’m just not into this anymore” so often silence must seem like the easier option. Easier for them? Harder for those on the receiving end.

The reason I struggle so much with ghosting is it never gives you any sense of closure. For an over thinker like me that is killer. Most people would delete and move on but for me, ahhh the lingering “whys??” and “what did I do wrong?” inevitably follow
An article I read on Pyschology Today says about ghosting:

"It renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.”

How can you have closure if you don’t know what the hell happened?

ghosting why I gave up dating

 

Of course, it could be a million reasons and its highly likely that most of them have absolutely nothing to do with you. Because let’s be honest, if you thought about it properly, how could it be about you? They didn’t even know you!

So why did was this ghosting any different and why afterwards did it make me decide to quit dating altogether.

Well firstly, this time came after a long string of other failed dating exploits. As I said in my post about Modern Dating you have to be pretty thick skinned to take the highs and lows of online dating and the many knock backs on the chin. I’d been hurt a few times, confidence dented by several guys who had swept me off my feet, only to promptly knock me on my arse. So, I hadn’t been using online apps that much and maybe a bit disheartened by the whole online dating idea.
But pub guy ghosting really knocked me for six because we had met. This was no tinder match this was a full on, in real life romantic encounter that came out of the blue and despite several red flags that I should of paid attention to (1 he was VERY young and 2 had not been long single) I got swept away by the romantic nature of it all and by someone who messaged the way I’d always wanted to be “ Morning, have a great day” “how is your day going” etc etc The messages came thick and fast and this only made the ghosting and the abrupt end of any messages at all, such a punch to the gut.

The frustration with ghosting and why in the end I gave up dating was because I just got tired of all that wasted energy. The hours spent messaging or talking on the phone, building up a picture of someone, their likes, dislikes, building chemistry, making plans, for it all to go absolutely nowhere? It’s the equivalent of spending hours making a cake mix and baking it, only to then throw it in the bin. What’s the point if you never actually get to the good bit right?

So, I quit. Deleted my apps. Decided not to invest my energy in any of it. Focused on my house move and everything I had going on at the time. And it was the best thing I could of done because to be honest anyone I would of met wouldn’t have got very far thanks to my pessimistic belief that eventually it would fuck up and they would ghost. I mean I’m not going to lie I pretty much hated the male species by this point.

A couple of months and a house move later I felt like a change had happened. I’d lost those cynical thoughts and my good old hopeful romantic self was back. So, I redownloaded my apps. Put myself back out there. And I was ghosted again. It’s a side effect of the world of online dating and along with “caspering” which is a new softer way of ghosting by just replying with polite answers but never actually arranging a date, there are many ways for the app user to reject someone without the use of actual honesty.

Me I’m straight up and honest. Always have been. It’s one quality that has often got me into trouble in dating over the last year, but one I wouldn’t change. I will always speak from my mind and from my heart.

As for ghosting, sadly it will continue. For me now I just try not to let it bother me and I certainly don’t let it convince me that I’m anything other than a beautiful, intelligent and talented woman who won’t settle for anything less than a guy who 100% gets that.

 

So, I’ll carry on dating. Eternally hopeful, but a little bit wiser to the world and damn sure that

“ I aint afraid of no ghost”

 

Debs

x

photos by Colchester Streets

4 Comments

  • Alison Beezer October 13, 2019 at 8:30 pm

    Now that you live in a town again maybe there will be a bigger circle of people you can meet and actually get to know them before dating. My brother met his wife at a Ceroc dancing class. He was there as a ‘taxi dancer’ to help beginners who didn’t have a partner and she joined the class to help her recovery from a family bereavement. The rest is history….
    Dancing may not be your thing though but it’s just an idea. I truly wish you all the luck in the world finding your special someone ❤️

  • Lizi October 14, 2019 at 12:34 pm

    I relate to this so much! I call out ghosters on their ghosting now and it’s been surprisingly effective. On both occasions where I’ve been ghosted by someone I’ve been actively dating, I called it out in a message to them explicitly asking what I had done to result in this behaviour and on both occasions, I at the very least got an apology and closure. It’s so easy to lose faith when people are so disrespectful. xx

  • Katie October 15, 2019 at 10:01 am

    Completely and utterly their loss. If I’m honest I think most of them are probably married or with someone else and being unfaithful dicks, thinking that messaging isn’t doing anything wrong but aren’t prepared to meet in person. It’s awful that this can happen but dating apps make it so easy for them. Maybe try some ones you pay a small subscription for? Maybe men with no real intentions won’t pay just to message and ghost women for the sake of their idiotic egos.
    You’re far too good for the majority of them and never ever feel like it’s you, as you say, you’re a catch and they’d been bloody lucky to have you!

  • Tiff October 16, 2019 at 4:21 pm

    Awww…this is so sad :(

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