Break ups are hard. There's no two ways about it and despite the fact my relationship and marriage officially ended over 9 months ago it has been a long old road trying to deal and cope with the break up and the loss of such a massive part of my life. If you haven't read My Break Up story then do read that first and I also want to say I'm no expert. Thankfully I haven't been through many huge breakups like this and all I can do here is share my own experience but in doing so I want to create an honest place to discuss this difficult topic and hopefully help other people going through a similar thing. So here's Ten Things I did to get over my Break Up and I hope that some of them can help you too
BLOCK & MUTE
This is one of the first things I did. Not to be mean and not to try and delete the existence of him from my life but more for self-preservation. You don’t need to see what your ex is up to every day, where he’s going and the holiday’s he’s off enjoying while you’re at home eating chinese and watching Netflix. I found “out of sight, out of mind” a helpful mantra and by blocking or muting him on social I found it a lot easier to move on. It also prevents that nosey stalker part of all of us that wants to keep tabs on our ex. No good ever came from this, trust me and the only times I’ve had mini breakdowns and got upset is when I’ve found out something he’s up to because of unblocking and having a nosey or from a friends social accounts. Most of my best friends and my family unfollowed him on social for the same reasons, to just not be privy to how he was living his new life.
2. REFRESH YOUR HOME
As we made the choice that I would stay in the marital home while we were selling it, I did struggle with the fact I was surrounded by our joint belongings in a house we chose together. Thankfully lots of the design decisions were made by me and as I had lived in it pretty much by myself for the entire time we’d had it, so it did feel a lot like just my home. But one of the things I did was have a big old refresh and a move around of furniture and accessories. The main room I focussed on was the living room which had never felt fully finished anyway. I didn’t buy anything new I just rearranged the furniture into a new configuration and just a couple of hours doing that made all the difference. It felt like a new room and really helped me so much. I even filmed it and you can watch my swap around on my YouTube channel. The other thing I did was take down any memory triggers like wedding photos or holiday snaps and box them away. I didn’t do it straight away and when I did do it I had a little cry, but I felt such a sense of moving forward and relief that I didn’t need to see those things every day.
3. NEW BED KARMA
Another home related change, I got myself a brand new mattress, pillows and bedding and oh my god was it the best decision I ever made. Not only was I able to choose a mattress based on what I wanted, meaning I could finally have something squishy and soft but I could choose bedding in any kind of colours I wanted, I went for full on girly pink and grey.
Its not that I couldn’t have these things when I was married, but of course you have to think of the other persons tastes etc too. NOT ANY MORE!! You can revel in your new ability to choose and buy whatever you want and honestly it made the bed feel entirely different.
Its so comfy, so cosy, I love going to bed now and it really feels like mine.
Its also in my YouTube video too.
4. TREAT YOURSELF TO NEW UNDIES
I had such a big clear out of clothes and things and I also had a massive underwear cull too and then invested in a load of new underwear. Not only did I buy some new sexy underwear because let’s be honest now you’re single there’s a chance someone new might see you in it so its worth getting some pieces that make you feel super sexy and that no one has ever seen you in before. But on the opposite train of thought I also bought myself the biggest most Bridget Jones comfortable pants too because I was like I’m single now I’m gonna be comfy. Either way you’ll be surprised how some new pants will do wonders for you.
(Underwear in pic GIFTED Bloom & Boudoir)
5. PURCHASE PYJAMAS
Don’t under estimate the power of a new pair of pyjamas! I got myself a few new pairs and along with my big old underwear clear out I did the same with my pj’s and loungewear. Its an accepted fact that post break up you are gonna spend some serious time on the sofa watching Netflix so why not do it in some swanky pyjamas. My personal faves are Next pyjamas but I also love my Oasis loungewear too. Don’t be afraid to invest in a new dressing gown too, why not!!!
6. BREAK OLD HABITS/TRY NEW THINGS
One of the hardest things I found after my break up was all the things we used to do together that I now couldn’t bring myself to do on my own. I couldn’t watch The Apprentice or Suits because we had enjoyed those programs together, I couldn’t bring myself to listen to certain music or eat certain foods but do you know what, that’s fine! It is to be expected and it’s not weak or sad. A breakup, especially one after a long relationship married or not, is a loss and causes a form of grief and everyone grieves differently. What I did? I tried to break out of old habits and try new things. Even something as silly as going to our favourite Chinese but ordering new dishes felt like progress. I enjoyed working my way round the menu with only me to decide if I loved something and would have it again and eventually after time I went back to our old favourites but by now they felt like just mine. I chose new programs to watch, enjoyed being able to find my own new addictions and again eventually after a while I was able to go back and finish Suits on my own without that feeling of someone missing. I was also lucky that I got to go to some places like Paris and Disney where I’d been before with my ex but this time with one of my best friends Emma and create some new happy memories related to those places and this is something I want to continue to do as well as go to brand new places too. Watch my Paris vlog.
7. LISTEN TO MUSIC
The best thing I did post break up was activate my Apple Music subscription, it is the best £9.99 a month I’ve ever spent. I think music is such a powerful thing, I love that it can make me sing, make me cry, make me want to dance. I have created playlists for every mood and thanks to my little Bluetooth speaker I can have music as I get ready, work out, wash up, even in the bath and not only does it mean my house is never quiet (which can be a hard thing when you live on your own) but I never fail to be cheered up after a really good sing loud at the top of my voice sing a long to one of my playlists.
8. Let yourself cry
I mentioned this is my Break Up post, crying is a big part of a break up and it doesn’t mean you are weak and it doesn’t mean you’re not coping or you’re not moving on. You’re allowed to be sad. I still get sad. Sad that my marriage didn’t work. Sad that I was so happy at one point and that my life is changing in a way I didn’t expect. The smallest thing will set you off too and I decided I would just either embrace those moments or find ways to avoid the “triggers”. So, for example one of the weirdest things that would set me off crying was food shopping.
I don’t know why but something about wandering around Aldi on my own while others perused their shopping list arm in arm in couples deciding what they were going to make for tea just left me feeling so inextricably low. I would frequently feel tears prickling in my eyes while I tried to choose my super six veg so I decided not to put myself through it anymore. My solution? I do my shop online now. It’s a simple change of habit but its made a huge difference and I’m actually saving money as I’m planning recipes and buying the exact ingredients I need too so win win!!
9. DIET & EXERCISE
Ok so I’ve not become some health addict and I haven’t joined a gym and gone exercise mad but I have tried to make more of an effort this year to be more active and to eat better. After my break up I did lose a lot of weight. It was down to just generally not feeling hungry and replacing meals with coffee quite a lot. If I did eat, I didn’t eat that well. It was hard to be bothered to cook for just me and so I often skipped meals. This was really bad and it actually just made me feel much worse. This year I’m trying to cook more, make myself nice meals to eat and be as active as I can and I do feel way better for it. I spoke more about this in my Resolutions Blog Post too.
10. Look ahead
I tried my hardest to stop looking backwards at what had happened and why and instead start focusing on the future. Whether that is trying to make plans or book holidays or simply arranging your week ahead I’ve found it much easier to get over my break up by taking control of my future and moving forwards with my life. My biggest thing is I do want to stop talking about the big old D word (divorce) as I’m sick of hearing myself talk about it and I worry other people are sick of it too. The problem is I’m still mid process and as the house hasn’t sold I am still in a sort of break up limbo where I can’t move on with my life but I’m trying my hardest to focus on other things. But as I said in my last post I’m grateful to have this outlet where I can talk about my break up and divorce and hopefully help other people too.
These are just a few of the things that have helped me get over my break up. Of course it goes without saying you need to talk to people and don't bottle things up. I always reach out now if I need to talk or just cry at someone. My parents, my friends especially Emma have all had the "can you talk for 10 minutes text" as often all I need to is to vent or cry or just talk for a while so I can get out of my own head. Its important and you shouldn't stop doing this.
I have lots more posts coming about what comes next from divorce to dating and I really want this to be a place I can help so please let me know in the comments if there are specific topics you'd like me to write about. Also please do tweet, insta DM me or comment if you have any thoughts about the post or even just want to chat about break ups and moving on and let me know what you found helped you move on?